I never meant to hurt you… it was just my way of trying to discipline you. So what if I did? It was the only way I thought I could protect you.
I’ve been through so much. The abuse and violent environment I grew up in affected me in countless ways. I struggled to make my own decisions because I was always afraid of disappointing them. I followed every instruction, even when it went against my own beliefs. I pushed myself to the limit to avoid facing the same pain over and over again.
It was so easy for them to say they didn’t mean to hurt me—that it was all for my own good. But I can’t help but wonder: what did I do so wrong to deserve this?
The physical violence disguised as discipline.
The verbal abuse masked as concern.
The belittling meant to “motivate” me.
The emotional manipulation to keep me in line.
All of it—supposedly for my benefit?
I’ve carried the weight of their so-called care for so long, I’ve lost sight of who I am. I’ve doubted myself. Rejected the idea that I should come first. Blamed myself for everything that went wrong. I’ve held back my words—stuck painfully in my throat—just to protect myself. I stayed within the boundaries they set, trying to breathe how I wanted. But even that felt like choking—gasping for fresh air to survive.
Trauma is something that happened in the past, but it clings to you because it felt so wrong to be treated that way. You carry that burden, and when something similar shows up again, you don’t know how to react.
You either feel rage—boiling inside, wanting to unleash the words you’ve kept buried…
Or you find yourself crying—just to shield yourself.